thots on injection day
technically i have to inject tomorrow but one day earlier wont hurt.
i bought testoterone undecanoate from my cis cousin a few months ago. he was doing trt (its trt when youre cis i guess) for some inexplicable reason. t is very trendy right now. luckily buying it off him was cheaper than being at the mercy of fluctuation t prices so i had five vials. im injecting the third one. two left.
in brazil you can get pharmacies and clinics to inject you if youve got the prescription but of course i dont. so ive had to learn to inject myself. like most things i had to learn to do mysef, its always a shitshow and today is no different.
i bought the wrong size needles. i have to inject 4ml but these needles are 3ml. plus, the gauge is too small. i have to inject twice because of course i need the whole vial. i have no idea what im doing. all i can think is that i could never be a heroin addict. its too hot to go out just for needles, plus im too lazy. i just want to get this over with.
the t comes in glass ampoules. i am always terrified of slicing my hand on it while opening and this time i managed to scratch my finger. it doesnt hurt at all but my palms already start to sweat. i pretend im not superstitious but i keep thinking how everything is an omen.
first injection. i fucking suck at injecting but i know some basics. i wipe my skin with alcohol and let it dry briefly. then i just sort of.....force the needle into my skin. i do this pinch and release thing i heard people online suggesting but i cant tell if it makes a difference. slowly, the gigantic needle slides into my thigh, millimeter by millimeter. i feel it bury itself into my flesh. pornographic. every time ive injected myself i briefly detach from my body. i have to inject this kind of oily substance slowly so my body is frozen except for my thumb carefully applying even pressure on the plunger. although it only takes about a minute, i feel like im crossing a mental event horizon by performing medical procedures on myself.
i know ive done it right when my mouth tastes like oil and almonds. ive heard this is quite common when injecting t but it doesnt always happen for me. im reminded of my very first t shot. next month it will be the two years anniversary. i had the same weird phantom oily almond taste coating my mouth the first time. i feel better. ive got this.
theres a small amount of t left in the vial, precisely one milliliter. i dispose of the original needle and go through the whole process again. this time im more confident but alas, another hurdle: the needle is far too small to reach the bottom of the vial. it takes me a while but i manage to angle the ampoule and suck up every priceless drop--t is ludicrously expensive these days.
this needle is smaller. choosing a spot just under the original injection site, i wipe down my skin with alcohol again, pinch, release, and inject. injecting doesnt hurt so much as it unsettles me but this time i felt nothing.
every time i inject i think of paul preciado's testojunkie. before i had started t i tried to read it and simply couldnt grasp it. i thought it was pretentious. but today as my fingers and mouth are covered in a fine layer of oily testosterone i think terms like pharmacopornographic and potentia gaudendi. more and more i feel like a testojunkie. my body has transformed. i am recognizable to myself for the first time. through testosterone i have accessed new pleasures i never thought possible, but it was only through self injection that i understood how pleasurable the physical act of transformation itself could be.