medical vs social transitioning: whoever wins, we win
as someone who socially transitioned before medically transitioning, i can say that it was the absolute worst of both worlds and that i hated every second of it. if i could do it all over again, i would wait until i was maybe a year on t before coming out.
im not sure what it is about me but t took a very long time to start giving me any outwardly masculine changes. the most immediately difference was that i felt better and calmer than i had ever felt in my entire life. i knew immediately after my first shot that this was how i was meant to feel.
i had accidentally outed myself to my boss on instagram because i forgot he followed me and i posted some cringe thing about how i dont feel like a woman. he liked the post and the next day he sat me down and said he loved and accepted me and i burst into tears like a child. from that moment on i was gabe at work and he remains incredibly cool with me. he used to burst into my classroom with a 'hey girl!!' that would spook me so much id hit the ceiling. he works at another location now but whenever we meet at work events he greets me with an equally excited 'hey man!!' i think without alex i would not have sought medical transition for a very long time so please dont think this is his fault or anything.
the problem is that its very hard to talk to students and their parents looking like a woman whose name is gabriel. ive never had anyone be overtly transphobic at me except with one students mother who apparently worked for a bolsonaro-aligned politician. she always made a point to 'correct' me, the secretaries, and my boss on how i was 'a professora' rather than 'o professor.' that incident was so comically stupid i never really cared much about it.
the real problem i had was the year or so on the SUS waiting list where i was unmistakably female and going by gabe. in hindsight, i was miserable. i hated my body so much it was hard to focus on anything. i got all the transphobia and misgendering but without the self confidence and self love i have today. and then when i finally did start t, i guess i thought i would start looking more masculine quicker than i did (my endocrinologist DID warn me it would take a long time).
im reflecting on this because some people assume anyone who isnt transitioning must want the clout that comes with being trans. this has always been laughable but its more ridiculous than ever before presently. while there are trans people who have no problem giving up the they/them in the bio when the going gets rough, i think mostly thats out of fear rather than an unwillingness to stand up for trans issues. i stayed in the closet for 32 years out of fear. i knew very well who i was yet i was afraid to lose the job i love so much.
on top of that, social transitioning without medical transition gives you no relief from transphobia. if today i rarely correct people who misgender me, pre t i wouldnt have even bothered. what was the point? to them, i was a woman, and saying otherwise made me look insane, or worse, hostile. the fear of the cissexual they/themmer selling out trans people is overblown. i have been that 'cissexual' who spent years with very few real life friends who knew i was gabe, navigating those painful professional and familial relationships without potentially stepping on a landmine. at one point i said fuck it and told everyone to call me by my old name and refer to me in the feminine but it felt so disgustingly wrong that i went back on it almost immediately.
there is no real benefit to being openly trans yet not presenting as your stated gender. there are trans people who have been transitioning yet dont look traditionally masculine or feminine enough to be read as such, sometimes (horror of horrors!) even by choice. passability is sometimes not possible or even a goal for these people. should we fake claim these trans people for not doing enough? what does 'doing enough' even look like? if the point is feeling at home in our bodies, why must we present in a way that makes others comfortable?
as for me, my goal isnt passability either. i dont want to Be A Man, especially in a society where being gay is essentially incompatible with manhood. brazilians will still ask if hes 'gay or a real man' when speaking about cisgender gay men, which perhaps is a little too subtle for those outside of brazil to appreciate. ive always found this a very stupid question but now when i see people refer to me in the feminine its almost always because they see me as a faggot rather than a man. and for me, that is mission accomplished. should i work harder to be more of a man? what about cis gay men? these requests get very silly very quickly.
i understand why there is this desire to 'gatekeep' transsexuality. if youre not going to stand by us then you dont get to have a voice, or at least not an equal voice, in trans issues. in some situations i understand that, like in discussions centering trans children; if youve never wanted to transition yet think trans kids should wait til theyre 18, why do you think you have the right to use your trans identity to help fascists prevent their medical care?
i think the way i resolve that tension is that there are a number of totally passing trans people like buck angel or (shudder) kalvin garrah who have made names for themselves through transphobia. these people DO weaponize their identities to justify making lives measurably worse for all of us. that might not really resonate with people who still think non-transitioning trans people shouldnt refer to themselves as trans, but i would offer that trans people have not gone out of our way to misgender angel or garrah for their transphobia. some trans people who 'havent done enough' seem to be the only ones who dont deserve access to their identities.
now, i dont really care about fascists and their humanity. if youre a trans nazi, youre not a human being because nazis are not humans. my point is that it seems easier for us to dehumanize some trans people than others, and what we consider bad behavior isnt always as extreme as advocating bigotry. this position is more of self preservation than altruism.
wrapping up, there is no one way to be trans. as far as everyone is concerned, you can never please anyone (including other trans people). thats also not really the POINT of being trans, if you could ascribe a 'point' to it. identity is fluid and constantly changing throughout life. i wasnt always who i am now and thats fine. there is always going to be some way or another to justify denying someone the basic courtesy of addressing them as themselves. i am simply not interested in running mental calculations to figure out if someone really is or isnt who they say they are every time i see a bad take online or a cringy tiktok. i am just too lazy to care to figure out if this he/they is ACTUALLY a he/they irl.